Are You Trading Power for Sympathy?
As an internal HR Manager, I mediated conflicts for 8 years, and as an employee, I witnessed workplace conflicts for 20 years. I've been intrigued by the idea of how we trade power for sympathy when we're mired in unresolved conflict.
Here's an example of what I mean. If I'm in conflict with a colleague, and I'm a human being, I'm more likely to talk to a third party before I address the conflict with my "adversary". Why would I go to a third party? Here are the four primary reasons I've found for this typical human response:
- To recruit the third party to "save" me from my workplace adversary.
- To recruit the third party to join my side against my adversary.
- To receive sympathy from the third party.
- To solicit coaching on how to resolve the conflict or neutral mediation from the third party.
From my experience in Corporate America, receiving sympathy from a third party is the most prevalent reason, and in this process we trade power for sympathy. To go for sympathy, we need to paint ourselves as a victim, and to do that we have to relinquish our power.
Don't buy that? When was the last time, a colleague said something like this: "I was in a meeting, and my colleague made a comment that I thought reflected badly on me in front of the CEO. I could have checked in with her in the moment, so I didn't leave feeling offended. I could have followed up with her immediately after the meeting when I wasn't feeling such strong emotion. I could have waited until the following day, to get her perspective on what she meant. Instead I'm coming to you to vent. Isn't she horrible?!" Seeing yourself as having power--and options--and receiving sympathy are simply incompatible.
Beyond The Self-Inflicted Wound
If you're trading your personal effectiveness for sympathy and the reinforcement that you have the moral high ground, you're doing damage to more than just your sense of self. According to the American Management Association, managers spend at least 24 percent of their time resolving conflicts at work. If you do the math, 24 percent of the combined salaries of your management staff represent a significant chunk of change.
So how do we stop the personal and bottom line impact caused by unresolved conflict? An organization's culture has a significant impact on whether unresolved conflict is tolerated and enabled or quickly addressed. Here are some powerful ways to ensure your culture supports the quick resolution of costly interpersonal strain:
- Across your organization, visibly value the quick resolution of interpersonal and interdepartmental conflict.
- Engage not only in teambuilding retreats for intact teams, but in retreats for two interdependent departments if tribalism is hurting necessary collaboration.
- Adopt group norms that dictate that when team members involve third parties in their unresolved conflict, the goal must transition quickly from sympathy-getting to coaching on how to effectively resolve the interpersonal strain.
- Provide skillbuilding for your leadership group and individual contributors so that everyone has the skills to address interpersonal conflict productively.
- Make external mediators available to your staff if there are no internal resources.
- Enroll internal volunteers to learn simple peer mediation techniques.
If you would like to assert your power for positive change in your organization, take measures to ensure unresolved conflict isn't wreaking havoc in your workplace. Contact Gary Ford for assistance in implementing any of the above interventions in your organization.
